Katrina.  Such a tragedy.  So disheartening.  I cry every time I read/read the news. It’s so much more than the hurricane itself.  It’s about how the US government reacted to the disaster.  Fucking G. ASSHOLE B. 

Crash.  Definitely my new favorite movie of all time.  So touching.  Yet so depressing.  It’s in the whole movie.  I can see the director really tries to put a smile on your face at the end of each story and make the whole thing not so gloomy.  But the flow of the whole movie just gets me sad and irritated!  Such a teargas.   

War of The Worlds.  Nothing but another high-budget movie.  Amazing visual effect, though.  I watched it right after Katrina and Crash, within a week.  That’s why I mentioned it here.  It doesn’t matter what color your skin is or if you are a racist.  When aliens come attacking the Planet Earth, we are all one thing under one name—humans. 

I used to be a firm believer of this “love can save everything” theory.  And by love I mean love of mankind.  Not just adoration between couples.  But as I grew up and learned to look at the world from different perspectives, especially learned the whole Katrina thing and what might happen to the American society and its problematic government, the idea of “not everyone believes love is universal” kind of shocked me.  I mean look at the world now, what do you see?  Wars, tyrannies, poverty, racism, and all those other different types of discrimination, etc.  What the hell is going on?  What’s with all the bias???  Aren’t we all one big family—human beings?  Or was I just being too naive?  I feel so small and fragile.  Is there anything I can do to make it better?  People keep telling me to live my own life and quit worrying so much about other people that are not related.  According to them, I should get a money-making job, find someone I love, get married, buy a house, raise some kids, support the parents, and I will live happily ever after, my life will be fulfilled.  They say there is nothing you can do to change the world.  The world will operate the same way as it always does.  Ordinary people like you and me are not capable to make any changes.  We are not strong enough.  We are far from it.  But I think maybe I CAN and I SHOULD do something.  Because isn’t this the way the world has been developed?  By accumulating little efforts of individuals?  I’ve been laughed at countless times by this thought.  They say it is not my responsibility.   

Now here comes another question: what exactly is a person’s responsibility?  I’ve been blamed for not having the sense of responsibility by only wanting to do what I want to do without considering what my family needs.  I don’t know what to say to talk back.  I guess this truly IS a dilemma.  To be a good child, you should be able to “really” take care of your parents, namely, regularly talk to and visit them, and more importantly, support them financially.  If you find a career only based on your interest but not considering the economic potential, you are an irresponsible person!  You are a selfish bastard!  Why is it all about the god-damned money in this society now???  Green power really freaking rules!  I know it’s your own life, but when it comes to your responsibility for your parents, I don’t know if anyone in China can live with such imputation. 

Yet it all depends upon how you look at the situation.  It’s your stance that rules your life.  I will make my own decisions one way or another!  I am looking for my answers and will be looking.  Keep the faith and keep searching…

There is no right or wrong about decisions.  If you feel like this is what you should do, go ahead and do it!  Don’t let what other people say influence you too much.  No one has the right to tell you what to or not to do, because you don’t live your life for anyone but yourself.  You are all by yourself.  We are all on our own.  At the end of the day, you won’t wake up and find yourself sleeping in your parents’ bed.  But how are we supposed to know if our decisions are right or wrong when making them?  There is unfortunately no way to tell.             Follow your heart and let time tell.  Don’t try to predict because we are not able to.  We are only human beings.  All we can do is to picture a beautiful future.  Some people like to plan things out beforehand.  Yet those are just “plans”.  It is all about the sense of security.  They are just trying to feel secure because there is no way you can predict the future.  No one knows what is going to happen in the next minute.  But whatever decisions you’ve made, you will have to live up to them.  If you don’t, that would be wrong right there.  And if you do, even if it might not turn out to be satisfying in the end, you will feel content for the most part, because you know you at least tried.  Quit whining about having made a “wrong” decision.  Remember what John Legend says?  “We are just ordinary people.  We don’t know which way to go…” It is the process that makes life worth living and more meaningful, not necessarily the result. 

If you don't want to see me,
Just tell me it’s ok I won’t bother.   

If you don’t want to talk to me,
Let me know, it’s fine, I won’t holler.  

If you want me out of your door,
Please be direct, I won’t bite ya.   

But if you want me to leave forever,
You can't just give me a call.  

If you really don’t love me no more,
Please tell me, don’t be a liar.  

I want us to meet face to face,
I want you to stand in front of me,
Look me in my eyes,
And tell me you don't love me any more.
 
Yes, I want to look into your eyes,
And hear you say,
You don't love me any more.

Do you see darkness?
Do you see brightness?
Do you expect your life to be like this?

You don’t see happiness,
You only feel sadness,
You don’t know why he acts like nothing happens. 

Does he notice?
Does he sense it?
Does he even care what‘s with your feelings? 

Do they hear you?
Do they believe you?
Do they wish he was never loved by you...

Your moves made me dizzy
Your voice drove me crazy
My heart was beating like a rabbit
Without drinking you got me tipsy 

I made a mistake meeting you
I made a mistake knowing you
I made a mistake loving you
But the mistake was so beautiful
 
I made a mistake talking with you
I made a mistake drinking with you
I made a mistake dancing with you
But the mistake was so beautiful

Life is funny
Destiny is shitty
If I could turn back the hands of time I would do it! 
 
Time goes by
Feelings remain tight
What do I do to get you out of my mind? 

I wonder why you had to go
I don’t know why I’m so into you
This reality is too cruel
Tell me why I wish I knew...

The whole time she was involved with this man, she sometimes felt like a failure and sometimes the happiest woman in the world.  Those two completely opposite feelings constantly took turns to hit her already-very-fragile inner world and were driving her crazy.   

She will never forget the day she at last realized that there truly WAS some other girl in between them.  It was a Monday afternoon.  She was CD shopping in his neighborhood with a girl friend.  When walking by his school, she thought maybe he’d want to hang out later that day, so she called him.  And it was a young girl who answered the phone.  For a moment she thought she dialed a wrong number.  To make sure she asked politely:
“Is this XX’s room?” 
“Yes, this is XX’s room.”  Strange voice replied in a cool manner, as if she’d answered so many phone calls from girls looking for him that it didn’t bother her at all.
“May I speak to him, please?” 
”Ok, hold on.” 

She could not believe what she just heard.  Just when her head was starting to spin there was his “hello”—a word she’d heard so many times to begin their numerous long private phone conversations with.  But this time it sounded so unfamiliar, like it was from another world.  She didn’t ask him who that girl was and what she was doing in his room.  Jealousy and anger were rising up in her chest!  But she forced them down and acted extremely calm.  “I can’t let him know what I am thinking!”  She told herself.  She thought it was unnecessary—obviously that girl was someone really close, close enough to the degree that she could help him answer his phone.  And he didn’t explain, which was by no means unexpected for her.  He just told her he was going to be busy, which left her nothing to say but “ok, I’ll call you later then”, followed by a quick hang-up.  She paused—her mind went totally blank, her other hand still holding on to the receiver.  Noticing the sudden change in her mood, her girl friend came closer with worries:
“Is everything alright?  What happened?” 
Girl friend’s voice drew her back to reality.  She pulled back her hand, forcing a smile and said:
“I am fine.  He’s just busy.  Let’s go.”

They were off to the next CD store.  But not long after entering the store, she found herself literally having difficulty breathing!  A few seconds later, a light heartache occurred!  She saw her girl friend was busy picking out CDs, so she just told her she needed some fresh air. 

She fought her way out of the store, and right on the other side of the street she saw a big piece of rock.  She sat on it, slowly closed her eyes and tried to catch her breath.  It was quiet—scarcely any cars running by, as it was a small street far away from the busy districts.  Only in those shabby little stores in such remote areas can you find a variety of genuine imported CDs.  There were no people walking by, no venders shouting, no kids crying.  It was the very thing she needed—a moment of quietness.  She placed her hands on her chest to feel her heartbeats. 

She started to feel better now, but her mind was still filled with pictures of him and that girl together.  Now she knew what “heart-breaking” really meant; she understood saying “I was so mad that I couldn’t breathe well” was not at all exaggerating.  She used to think that she could remain cool when it comes to things like this.  She used to mock her easy-to-get-jealous girl friends.  She didn’t realize how jealous she could be!  She didn’t realize how mad she could be!  From the moment she heard that girl’s voice till she entered the next CD store—about 30 minutes—she kept all those horrible feelings completely inside!  How harmful was that!

She cannot believe she is thinking of him again.  She thought she was over him.  She really thought she made it.  But ever since he moved out of her city, things about him and the good times they had shared kept slipping into her mind from time to time, so secretly and quietly she didn’t even notice.  What is she to do?  What is she to do?!  She wants to scream.  She needs an exit.     

Where they spent the most time together in was his room.  In that little space they talked and laughed together; they watched movies together; they helped each other with their studies; they played games together; and of course, they had amazing sex.  Outside that small room, they walked around his campus together; they chilled in the campus bar together; they picked out new CDs together; they went clubbing together; they went shopping together.  They even went camping on the Great Wall once and to one of his big family dinners once together.  They certainly had a lot of fun and she knows they both had strong feelings towards each other.  But then why, why in the hell did he not want their relationship to be official?  Why did he make the young girl at the New Year’s Eve party his girlfriend?  Why was it not her that was his one-and-only woman?  What did she do?  She spent so much time struggling to find out what went wrong, but she never did.  Everything seemed so wonderful, yet it still couldn’t make him satisfied.  It was something she never knew, and will never know.  She kept wondering what else it was that he wanted from her…

Their relationship had never become exclusive.  They’d never even made it public.  He’d never even introduced her to his friends as “my girlfriend”.  They’d never even had a handle-light dinner at a romantic restaurant together.  They’d never even taken a walk in a park together.  They’d never even gone to a movie together.  What were they then?  How should their relationship be defined? 

She remembers them once sitting in a bar on his campus having a serious talk about this.  She asked him: “do you see me as your sex partner?”  He frowned and said: “no, of course not!”  She continued: “then what DO you see me as?”  He looked at her very briefly, then looked down at his beer, his fingers playing with the mug handle, and went mute.  After a million years, she raised her voice and asked again: “What am I to you?!  Answer me!!”  She began to feel furious but still tried to control her volume and mood.  She was sure he felt it too, but he still kept silence, as he always did.  She felt so bad that her chest actually started to ache.  She could no longer listen to the music played in the bar.  She put her hands on her ears to cover them up as if she could really hear her heart being torn into pieces and thrown in the garbage.  She felt so vulnerable that she believed she could collapse at any minute.  Before leaving for the bar she was going to ask him about this girl she saw he was intimately with at the New Year’s Eve party, but at this point, how could she possibly ask any more questions?  Any answers coming out of his mouth would only shoot her like a gunshot.  Yet she didn’t slap him and get up and leave.  She didn’t have the heart to do so.  She has no idea what it was about him that made her so into him…

I was standing by the free way on northern Californian coast with strong wind screaming in my ear and making my hair dance in the air. This was March—about 2.5 months since I arrived in America.  I was traveling with Scott’s family—yes, he was absent.  He had to study for the finals.  I was going to spend 8 days 24/7 with the two couples I had met only a few times who do not speak a word of my language.  I am not saying that they are hard to approach or anything (or else they wouldn’t ask me to travel wit them without Scott), they are actually super easy-going people.  But this was the first time I’ve ever been with Scott’s family alone. I could not 100% relax.  “They are my family now”, I told myself, “they are fun, and this is going to be a fun trip!” 

Staring at the dark, wavy, roaring ocean, I seemed to try to figure out what was on the other side.  “You might right be facing the direction of China!” said Scott’s mother.  There is a place called home on the other side of the boundless ocean, but all I could do now was stand there in the wind and memorize…

I am miles and miles away from home, but luckily, here in America I have a new one.  Everyone is extremely nice to me.  They treat me like I really am a part of the family.  A new addition—this is what I should be calling myself.  I did not take as long as I expected to get used to living in America.  Amazingly enough, things here are exactly as what was seen on TV in China!  I was sort of shocked by how well America is learned by the rest of the world whereas the majority here cares next to nothing but Super Bowl and Jerry Springer Show. 

Should I be missing home a lot?  A pretty silly question, I guess.  I don’t believe I am the type of person who gets homesick so easily.  Maybe it is because I don’t like to be stuck in one place for too long; maybe it is because I want to live my own life; maybe it is because I have sort of an indifferent attitude towards things; maybe it is simply because I am not all by myself here—I have Scott and I have his family who is there look out for me.  Exactly, I am not alone.  But how come I still feel I am alone sometimes?  Is being alone just a state of being or is it more like a state of mind?  It might be both.

I'm doin' 90 on the freeway,
I'm talkin' dirty like Dr. Dre.
I think Brad Pitt did ok in Troy,
I'm crazy about Jamie Foxx and his Ray!

I wasn't born the normal way,
So I'm a little different from them other girls today.
I light up a cigarette when I start to pray,
Perfume, cologne, whatever, I spray.

I take the drink of whoever comes to me and say "hey",
I dance to the remix of Metallica and Green Day.
Nah, just kidding, my favorite is actually Hip Hop and Reggae,
I can party non-stop from 6pm till the break of day!

I like sittin' in the sun, havin' a latte,
After that I might want a sundae.
I don't like to watch movies that theatres play,
Only the DVD player can make my day.

I don't get up until people have their lunch-break,
I don't have dinner until everybody goes to bed and get laid. (haha)
I call my friends up when I have confessions to make,
I like listening to them too when they've got stuff to say.

Deep inside I sometimes feel dim and gray,
But those feelings won't long stay.
There are no rules that I have to obey,
I just hope there ain't no more bills I'll have to pay.

I love my family, my friends and there ain't nobody I hate,
Affection is universal including lesbian and gay.
Don't feel too bad about the mistakes you've made,
To get what you want there's always a lot to take...